Women outside screamed and I felt dead in my head. I turned in the terrible bed, in the still night still willing sleep. Whichever way I turned I was there. Singing along to the song of thoughtless thought. Thoughts like lichen on sea-battered rock. Desperate, desolate 4am thoughts trying to force into that blank new forever paragraph.
I got up. I decided to write a prayer. I was trying to muster optimism for the new day. Write a prayer for tomorrow. A list of hopes.
I do not believe in an entity that grants wishes. This would have to be a kind of secular prayer. I wrote in that twilight with some clarity.
What became clear was that I was writing to myself. My present, past, and future. That through acknowledging and articulating these hopes I might influence future action. Just like a course correction.
[If I did have a secular prayer that I said every night, what might it be?
God Fate Chance Fortune…
May I be healthy and loved May my body bear me thru new adventures, may I never be too afraid – but feel the braveness that builds with one’s past bravenesses. May my brain and wits be sharp tomorrow – could I wake up bright, not sluggish!
May I meet those with whom I might find mutual wonders, and may I have the strength and braveness to love them and be open to them.
May I find reserves in me to love everyone and everything.
May my loved ones be safe and know without doubt that I love them.
May the world be sometimes quietly
May I be surprised and open to surprises. May I be humble* and never be so far from
understanding ACKNOWLEDGING my ignorance, limited perspective, ravenous ego and self centered fear.
May I always have eyes for the truth.
Gods, fates, fortunes, random winds of chaos, may I experience my fair share of love, affection and friendship and in turn be a conduit of human compassion.]
Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home
When you call my name it’s like a little prayer
I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I’ll take you there
I close my eyes
Oh God I think I’m falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me
It’s like a dream
No end and no beginning
You’re here with me it’s like a dream
Let the choir sing
*Whilst I stand by the virtue of humility with oneself (humility precluding the conditions in which one can “Know thyself”), I’ve long been in two minds on the virtue of humbleness. I wonder if the state of our world requires great extravagances of defiance and demonstrations of self-worth and self-respect? A great many people suffer under oppressive systems which the humbleness, submissiveness and meekness of the oppressed can only serve. There’s the possibility of asserting your self-love as a political act and yet remaining humble in ones relations with oneself and loved ones. So to clarify, I would rewrite this as “May I be with myself humble…”